“Fully/Understood”

What separates us as individuals is that feeling of being understood, or more importantly misunderstood. We attempt to share the deepest parts of our being with those we grow to be trustworthy of that piece of our inner picture. Often that gets distorted by the fear of being judged, or the fear of being rejected by someone we want to accept everything about us. Withholding aspects we are aware of can create resentment if later discovered, or permission to assume notions not acceptable by us from them. Connection at a deep level is a complex fucking deal. Comfort, which is what all of us seek, can ebb and flow with minuscule aspects of each individual involved in the connection. Discomfort disguised as confusion opens us up for derivatives of imaginary assumptions. What you say versus what you mean to express your feelings can twist into an emotional cyclone of hidden agendas and misrepresentation. Love is the mechanism we utilize to mash all of this posturing, impressing, and sometimes manipulating of those we jam together with. Love is the word we have crafted to define what overwhelms our rational capacity and races through our being as though no other sensation matters. Love is also the description of our thoughts racing around our minds leaving little to no room for any other deliberation of anything else. Seeing ourselves in the eyes of others and them being so intent of knowing as much about us as there is to tell. Understood. It’s the most magical aspect of being alive, it’s been written about by great thinkers, dreamers, and visionaries for as long as we’ve been able to describe it’s impact on our beings. I’m not going to offer some incredible heartfelt insight that’s not already been identified, but rather my personal experience of what it has etched upon my life.

I believe we feel love and it’s comfort long before we can make sense of it’s complexity. My grandmother’s offered me the kind of warmth and comfort I relate to even today. They were a huge part of my early childhood, and lived well into my adult life. I can honestly say there was never a moment in my life while they were alive that I didn’t feel the peace and comfort of their love. That sense of belonging anchored my heart to a notion of love that wasn’t as present from my parents. They loved me, but expected an emotional toughness from me. Theirs was never what felt like an intimate relationship in the way I view such connections today. That framing for adolescence created a conflict for the wanting to feel what I knew was a part of this aspect of one’s life, and the disconnect of the way to go about it. Seeing girls suddenly as different from your sister and mom, and feeling the merger of new sensations along with this known comfort of loving others was exhilarating and scary all at the same time. Not having the type of relationship with your parents that opened up confiding in them your deepest feelings about this confusion, you turn to your friends for support. It probably happens more often than not, boys conjuring up their notion of love by peer committee, but it has some serious flaws within its long term effects. Being the man your father represents, while being cool like all the popular guys around you is a bit like a dog toy being tugged over by a couple of playful hounds. That is if your father resists being seen as sensitive, and fails to communicate the context of his manhood, because his father failed to do so, as did the father before him, and so on. Generational biases stretch long and wide across ones adult reality as well. What’s lacking from childhood circles back to adulthood for its examination and clarification, yet it’s not recognized for such and is often shameful and hidden from our carried facade for who we posture ourselves to be.

Love seems abundant in the lives lives around us, yet hidden and absent at the same time. Love variegates itself to adjust for different contexts in wide ranging aspects of our lives. Confusing, indeed as there are times where the lines blur and the context distorted causing sensations of loneliness and despair as well as unfounded splendor and elation. Fully explaining yourself to another and overcoming the fear of judgement and rejection is arguably the biggest personal challenge of a lifetime. Seeking that incredible comfort is the driving force within all sentient hearts and minds. Arguably the essence of being alive within oneself and not feeling alone trapped inside your insecurities. Love raises us to heights like no other sensation, yet destroys the confidence it takes to overcome its rejection. What a deal huh, feeling as though your heart is as important to someone else as it feels to you, or that it never will. Now imagine that dilemma before you even understand what it means. What if your only examples were distorted from their dysfunctional nature, and you couldn’t piece together the tattered fringes of how that is how love truly works, because the people you idolize haven’t figured out to show you its meaning. Then one of your parents informs you their participation in the facade that’s brought you into life, and to the precipice of understanding is now over. You are the man of the house without any foundation in the truth of what that entails. You want so desperately to know intimate love with another, but all you have experienced is it’s failures. There in that moment you dispelled the dream of belonging for the cynical purposes of just desire. Heartbreak is inevitable because you don’t realize what supports love, nor how messy it has to be to survive. All you know are your feelings and true empathy is always a reflection of your pain and suffering, not acceptance of others in their terms. How can you possibly know it takes forty years to recover what’s lost in the summer of the only adolescence you will ever know.

“Denial is a wonderful place to be…” That’s what we used to laugh about when we dreamed about a future that we both knew had an expiration date. You were terminally ill, and I was your support system for whatever that journey would be. The doctors spoke absent of terminal endpoints, and smiled of hope with their wordy diagnosis and prognosis. Looking back, I realize now that’s just the story of the human emotional defense mechanism at its finest. Spurn me and destroy my heart, fuck that, I’ll never allow another to walk that path again. I’ve seen trust in others destroyed in similar fashion countless times in my life. The weight of the facade is almost unbearable, but pales in comparison to the agony of giving yourself to trust and watching it shattered before your very eyes. We justify our feelings denied rather than face their possible rejection. Don’t give, don’t get, don’t hurt unexpectedly, just suffer the loneliness quietly. If you really believe you don’t need the comfort of emotional human connection, well, you’re a fucking liar to yourself. Your awkwardness is obvious to the objective observer, and poisonous to those standing behind you. That behavior makes you less evolved and senates you from the tendencies of your biological order. This is especially true for females, given the predisposition to bearing children. No, that’s not sexist, just a statement based in evolution. How do you think we got here?

The cure doesn’t exist on the shelf of some store, nor on the set of some show, or behind an ad banner on a website. Self help books are the profit centers for people you will never know. Spiritual guidance will just condemn desire without resolving its dilemma. Being grateful for the pain in your life feels stupid, but is not entirely counterintuitive in that, it separates your pain from the notion of punishment. You are an active participant in some of the outcomes besieging you, but misfortune is too. Sometimes luck and intention go hand in hand, or in opposing directions. Measuring what’s critical, vital, and insignificant in every moment gives clarity to the entanglement of when and where your emotional contributions are valid and unnecessary. Smearing your emotional capital across each and every experience is exhausting as well as futile. Talking to those who you deem important to you about the covenants of love and connection enhances their ties within their hearts. Dispelling frustration, anger, and the subsequent hatred from your heart frees the spaces necessary for the comfort you seek. Forgiveness is important, but only because it’s an afterthought from all that frustration that’s built up inside. People fuck things up all the goddamned time, so believing they somehow won’t is insanity. Realizing it wasn’t a destructive conspiracy to tear you apart, but their own struggles to overcome their humanity is enlightenment. Allow yourself to represent all that’s inside of you, while being open to criticism without feeling judged, and know life hurts occasionally, but love soothes all its abrasions.

#LOVE

“What’s/Important”

  “What’s most important to you for you to feel fulfilled with your life...?” 

 

Connection to other people, that you care about their well being as you do your very own, should be high on this hiarchy of fulfillment. You owe it to them as well as yourself to work towards being the best version of yourself, but that alone is a hollow existence in and of itself. Caring for others above yourself doesn’t support being your best self, so forget pretending that attitude gives you a gold star outside your name. I’m here today to discuss getting over the minutia of the petty bullshit. There are enough critical decisions to make within the complexity of a modern life, so elevating minor ones to a higher status only diminishes the overall quality of the brief period of time we all get. I’m currently schlepping across Italy on another adventure to feed my sense of wonder and experience what life has to offer, not what happens to come my way. Through these adventures, I see people of varying cultures being themselves in their everyday life. It’s easy to judge or condemn what at first glance doesn’t align with what you know about your life, but after a while you can begin to dissect the components of the human condition, and extract nuggets of insight to improve yourself, and your perspective. There’s no such thing as a perfect society, and cheering about such things  is fucking mental retardation for the most part. Appreciation for what adds value to the quality of what truly matters, and dismissing the minutia is the process. Finding the discipline to focus on the process and repeat it regularly is the challenge. Attaining the wisdom through experience is the end game for lifting ones self to a higher level of fulfillment. It’s not about income, status, or wealth. My brother and sister and I have created more for our life’s than all our previous ancestry combined, and we never identify that. We’re all grateful for the foundation that we were given by their experiences, and the capacity for kindness and compassion they instilled in us. You will never find fulfillment until you find gratitude for having a life to work with. 

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  “Love conquers all...until, you realize it’s only a slice of a much larger pie of life” 

Love is important to maintaining a full life, and it’s rated extremely high by most individuals. Love is evolutionarily biological to sustainable relationships for rearing offspring, but requires work and adjustments when maintaining its part in fulfilling life. Love encompasses all the relationships that we acquire across a lifetime, and ebbs and flows with the circumstances of the times. It feels so amazing, and like the end of the world. Offering yourself up to love another person unconditionally is one of the keys to a fulfilling life. If you only love those people in your life because they love you back, you’re missing the fucking point. Love them because they mean something to you in a way that allows you to be yourself with them around. If they judge you, are they really who you want to offer your love too? Love is a complicated proposition at best. It can make us feel so alive, and can make us want to die in a split second. Love requires management of our supporting conditions to participate, but not of those we share it with. The sad part is, even with the best of all circumstances perfectly aligned, it’s not a complete life. Relying solely on love for fulfillment is extremely selfish and shallow. If all you have to offer humanity is your love, you are pretty worthless to the advancement of our species, as well as creating processes to lift those around you. Hungry, sick, and uneducated people need more than just love. They need action! If love doesn’t motivate beneficial behavior, it’s not serving anyone but you. 

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Being connected, managing love’s impulsive responses, what’s going on here? Nearly everything we do as individuals based upon assumptions that everyone around us is chasing the same dream is a fucking bullshit lie! Having more doesn’t make you happy. Being wealthy is not a remedy to loneliness. The most amazing love you could ever imagine won’t make you complete. Life is way more complex than that! The best explanation of life I’ve ever heard came from a Bloomberg radio interview with a young man acknowledging his father’s advice. “Life is hard, and only momentarily interrupted with moments of brilliance...” Life has to mean something to you beyond what it simply feels like! You have to mean something to others beyond just what you can do for them. We all have to strive for fulfillment and enlightenment to what truly matters to the connection of everyone. We have to drop the ego centric notion of power and control for the harmony of togetherness. The notion of scarcity has no relevance in abundance and love. We believe only because we hope to belong, and we fail to question ourselves to the ideas of what’s really important...

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  #love 

“Man/Made”

We wonder through this life hoping there’s enchanted immortality in an idealistic afterlife, constantly tucking away the things we don’t want to bring to bare as we push into the uncertainty of our conscious reality. Ultimately, we face the unpacking of life’s baggage to reveal with the clarity of hindsight, we fucked a lot of opportunities up along the way. All of man’s problems are a result of our collective consciousness, and the resulting behavior. The earth and universe have their moments of transformation and resulting tribulations, but our species is to blame for every single issue surrounding our modernity. Social, cultural, political, ideological conflict only exists within our perception of reality. For 300,000 years, our story has been evolving to what is now the present day. This portrayal of the accumulation of our understanding for how and why we exist remains anchored to the unproven mythical speculations of ancestors we deemed as prophetic, even though there’s not a shred of physical evidence to confirm this as reality. Nevertheless, I’m not here to write about the way ideological misgivings balloon into mythical misconceptions. I want to further my observations about the emotional entrapment gripping our species and more importantly, how do we break that grip. I only have to look at my personal perspective to get started. I was a very emotional child, full of love and elation over the things that made me feel good. Disappointments were a part of that, but they never felt like they were overwhelming. No one ever explained to me that this thing we call heartache was a normal part of the human experience. It was something much different than disappointment, and felt like it would never go away. I realized it’s stranglehold after my father came home drunk one night, and woke me up when I was fourteen. Him coming home drunk after spending his time drinking away from my mother and his children wasn’t something new. It was a generational type behavior for men of his era. They were children of a very authoritarian generation of fathers themselves. This lack of engagement for the emotional complexity of adolescence has helped to cast the die for all generations. Dad felt trapped by the expectations of a wife, who he felt detached from within his own complexity. He had met someone that listened to his plight, and come to the conclusion it was time to leave his family because of his detachment from mom. At fourteen and being his eldest child, he decided I was to be the new man of the house in his absence. My dad was leaving, and what little responsibility he supported around the family from a functional perspective was now on my shoulders. Oh, there’s a catch to this dysfunctional strategy of his. He hasn’t informed mom of his plans, so I couldn’t tell anyone of my situation. I was supposed to suppress any emotional entanglement with my reaction to cover his cowardice for unveiling his relief to his emotional turmoil. Selfish, absolutely, but this was how he was conditioned to cope with his own emotional entanglement from his life. What’s lost in this generational extrapolation of emotional suppression is the way we at crucial junctures of human development ignore the understanding of the adolescent individuals of how their own emotional entanglement works. Not a single concern for how I would deal with the abandonment from my father at a time my hormonal transition from childhood to early adulthood was overwhelming to say the least. My story is unique in its presence to me, but not isolated in the context for how we as a species fail at this critical development in the lives of our children. That failure to untangle our emotional complexity at the individual level until we are dysfunctional adults is the real problem. Adolescents don’t possess the capacity to effectively do it alone, and peer involvement mostly dilutes the situation. The dysfunctional parent only replicates the slightly enhanced experience of their own adolescence, and focused improvements are mostly a product of luck. People are groomed to figure out their own emotional entanglement and live within whatever results that process renders. This hasn’t changed much for most of modern times since our development of language and art. Remember, the period I’m referencing is the last 10,000 years, where written language can be used to gauge emotional expression. The process is evolving, but at Darwinian speed and is only recently within the last couple of centuries been adequately studied. Human beings possess so much more capacity than we currently exhibit, it’s going to take some time to learn how the best way to unlock it will be.

 

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The news out of New Zealand is tragic in obvious ways, but at a deeper level far beyond the loss of lives as well. The manifesto from this perpetrator identifies a disturbing message of psychotic nationalism supported by racism. This diverts this writing in a bit of an unexpected direction, but also ties in the overall message of my initial thoughts. Race, culture, nationalism, and religious ideology are all bound by a common thread. Their identification and support is a human concept. Varying degrees of melatonin in the skin of humans does not distinguish special differentiation, but is leveraged through cultural dynamics as fuel for ignorance to the biology supporting one’s understanding. Homo Sapiens vary along a wide range of physical variations, such as height, weight, hair, eyes, and the likes. Skin color has been extracted from this list for a social agenda. Getting individuals to support this preposterous notion by incentivizing their following is the Darwinian dilemma in all of this. Our social propensity has served our species well over time. Teaching and division of labor and tasks across a smaller group allowed for us to proliferate this planet. Language allowed for those groups to expand greatly in size. Technology amplified that capacity to unheard of boundaries, and social media allowed any fool to become believable. At the individual level, the true variation lies within the capacity to process our understanding from all this communication capacity. The agenda once again becomes the focal point, and the unaware followers not properly scrutinizing their sensory input behave in detrimental ways. Donald Trump’s name was cited in this manifesto for his support of nationalism and agenda to stop immigration. Only in the human consciousness does migration of species cause social conflict. The only reason it’s seen the way it’s portrayed is because it’s supported by an agenda. Not biology, chemistry, or physics, just ignorance to understanding.  

 

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Most of what the human race has contrived as acceptable norms around this planet were originally put into place as a symbol to something greater than a single life. No one person or even group of people have a comprehensive handle on this complexity of our species. We have yet to achieve in the hundreds of thousands of years of being aware and connected a tranquil harmony of everyone. As advanced as we’ve become in some aspects, we struggle to rise above the challenges in beliefs and behaviors. Hope can only be identified as not becoming extinct in one’s own lifetime, and trying to stave off self inflicted extinction in the upcoming lifetimes of our offspring and of theirs as well. The story of precisely how we arrived here is still widely debated in spite of the strong evidence to support the scientific version. That gap in acceptance transcends into social ideology as well as the individual interpretation for one’s existence. We more often than not attempt to trade personal tranquility for being right, and the argument carries the burden of confusion of purpose. We seek individual validation for our consciousness, while ignoring what’s in the best interest of all. Our children become reflections of that same dynamic, and thus they too repeat the cycle only to find themselves at the same crossroads as ourselves. Consciousness can only be gratifying by being present within one’s reality. There’s no credibility necessary, just acceptance and awareness of how complicated life is outside of that paradigm. Your emotional state will run your life if you give it the keys, or it can gratify every moment when you realize their functional dynamic. 

 

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The world is filled with beauty and wonder...don’t let fear or ignorance stop you from realizing it! 

 

 

 

 

  #thoughts