We all compete emotionally to be recognized for being uniquely ourselves, but we crave the human attention associated with social networks. We live a life of contradictions and moral dilemmas. This plays out with this urge to calculate where we stand in the vastness of humanity, and ultimately the universe as well. The closer we are to someone or something, the stickier the context of how we compare. It’s this contextual identity we need to flush out. Here is where progress and enlightenment make a stand in the name of identification. 


  “Knowing you are alone...and, accepting why that’s the way things should be” 

Sizing ourselves up to the standard of how we perceive things. Completely misinterprets what the purpose of a life actually is. Figuring out where we jump on, and calculating how to advance through the masses is the real truth. Not who we are, but how fast, and in what direction are we traveling. The cultural moral standard is slightly off target with its interpretation of what a good life means We are failing to cultivate the better versions of ourselves to share with the communities we represent. it appears we have lost the understanding of what that harmony and connection represents to the long term development of the individuals within a  community. The shear complexity of consciousness filters out far more than it enlightens, and leave the dispossessed in a lifetime of despair, absent of tangible goals chasing realistic dreams. 


   “Everyone can’t be the banker...someone, has to be the trash man. If you want to piss off the banker, stop taking out his trash”


Identifying the workload of converting chaos to order is the first step for accepting this role as the preferred individual. Life is hard as fuck, with only intermittent flashes of joy. Making sense of a microscopic speck in the infinity of the universe, sorting for predictability and comfort is a bitch. This is where the emotional check down crosses the   “blood/brain” barrier. Life can feel inviting or overwhelming depending upon your perspective lens. Nothing in the universe changes to accommodate this, just the notions inside your melon.





  “Finding relief in something numbs the anxiety...only to rear its head after we awaken” 

There’s no quick fix to this age old dilemma, as a matter of fact the situation strengthens with the trajectory of life’s exponential complexity trend. When do we slow down to reach back and lift an entire population of newborns to reach their potential? Parenting within the community and not in a weird cult-like situation, but in the nurturing where you truly care about everyone getting a chance way. 




I discovered today, that my stepmother and stepbrother have died. No tragedy I’m aware of, just a life of abuse upon themselves. For reasons unbeknownst to me, my brother made a trip by the place where our dad used to live. It was run down and condemned. Our sister upon reading this in our group text posted the obituaries of the two. Bryan died in December of last year, and his mom in May of this year. I’m not at all surprised by the news, just a little shocked at my reaction I guess. I haven’t spoken to them in a very  long time. After Dad died in 1996, she disposed of his ashes without any of his children being present. There was a divide present that was never approached again. She and Bryan had assumed possession of all of Dads meager  belongings, even after I had told everyone I wanted his hunting and fishing gear. He and I had spent the vast majority of our times together enjoying the outdoors. He first took me fishing at two years of age. That was the special times he and I shared. They came along after that foundation was already established between my Dad and I, and their hi jacking his things to hold onto something so dear to me, as if they were somehow a part of all that. I wasn’t about to stoop to their level to attempt to gather any scraps of material possessions to preserve the memories associated with  them. I chose to walk away and disconnect from them and their disrespect for my wishes. My sister and brother similarly disconnected for much the same reasons. We were quickly shuffled aside with regards to his personal effects, and she got beneficiary and survival rights to all of his assets, so his children were ushered away empty handed. I guess that was to be expected from the man, who abandoned us to start another life away from us to get whatever fucked up piece of mind away from our mom. That’s what left my siblings and myself reeling as children, and struggling in our own individual reconciling of the whole traumatic experience. I was singled out and told two weeks before he even mustered up to tell our mom he was leaving. Maybe this is where I write my story, and define my ambition to write. Not simply my understanding or perspectives to the problems and promises of the world around me, but the thoughts that make me who I am...


...(to be continued) 


  #being me